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ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE: WHY MARRIAGES FAIL

At least 30,000 couples are divorced annually in Australia, and the figure is rising. Why are there so many marriage failures? Can they be checked? Are there tell-tale symptoms which indicate trouble is brewing? Many marriage unions could be saved. Once signs of a rift are in evidence, sensible couples could do much to heal the breach and save their future.

In 1982 in Australia the appalling number of 44,088 marriages fell apart. Each year about 115,000 new marriages take place. This sadly means that around one in three fails to survive, and each year the picture is becoming depressingly worse. With relatively recent alterations in the divorce laws, in which divorce seems easier than ever before to secure, it seems inevitable that the figures will start to rise still higher.

How come so many persons, who are prepared to accept the responsibilities of marriage one day, exchange vows and pledge all sorts of things, suddenly change, and wish to opt out? There must be some underlying reasons.

What is even more important, how can a couple, in the early stages of marriage, make sure that they will stay blissfully wedded until "death us do part"? Is there any sure-fire way to success in the marriage game? Are there any obvious lessons that can be learned to avoid heading in this direction? If so, what are they? What advice can be gleaned from couples that have split up?

I have seen countless couples over the years as they have come into my surgery. I've watched little children grow up, and marry. I have watched with considerable interest to see what happens to them, how they make out, how they develop their future.

It is fascinating to see the success that many couples make of their lives. It is disappointing to see the abject mess that others (frequently those who should know better) make of their lives.

Certain features seem to leap out, and over a number of years, I am certain that many reasons can be given as to why marriages disintegrate.

There is one feature that has struck me forcibly as I have observed, and each year it strikes me afresh: The way a child develops over a period of years is very often a replica of the way his parents live!

If a person is brought up by parents who have relatively well-set-out and strict moral codes, then the child will absorb these principles, and have similar ones. Indeed, it seems axiomatic that these are impressed upon his sensitive subconscious mind from a very early age. They take root, they are nurtured, they grow and develop, often without the child having any idea of what is happening to him or his mind.

The ideals and impressions and standards of the parents become an integral part of the child. As time goes by, he will automatically accept all this, and in time will start to live the life that is being guided by his own subconscious.

When I refer to moral codes, I do not merely mean sexually orientated ones. I refer to the entire gamut of morality. To honesty in general, to one's attitude to his fellow man, to his work-mates, his employers - to those with whom he comes in contact. If a person has been brought up in a home where love and affection abound, then he will tend to reflect these attitudes to others.

Conversely, if the upbringing has been a tight-lipped, austere, mean, hard, poker-faced affair, then this will tend to be the attitude he (or she) will adopt in later life too. Of course, other factors will have their influence too, but in general, the majority will tend to emulate their parents.

 

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